Endless Musings

This blog contains the random thoughts, feelings, and observations of a slightly "left of normal" young woman.

Friday, January 14, 2005

Here Is a Fun Little Test I Took (it didn't tell me anything I didn't already know)

cute but psycho
you are the cute but psycho happy bunny. You
adorable, but a little out there. It's alright,
you might not have it all, but there are worse


which happy bunny are you?
brought to you by Quizilla

Thursday, January 13, 2005

My Emotional Dilema

One thing that really bothers me is unresolved issues. Especially if they are of the highly emotional kind. I have recently found myself caught up in the unresolved issue of my last romantic relationship.
I met my ex-boyfriend in July this past summer. When we met and fell in love (or at least I thought we were BOTH in love) things were going pretty good in my life. He and I hit it off right away. From our first date forward he called me every day and we got together at least once every week. He told me that he loved me after we had been dating for a few weeks. He seemed sincere at the time. I fell in love with him. I thought I had finally found a really good man who just might turn out to be "the one."
Unfortunately, these good feelings would be short lived.
After we had been seeing each other seriously for about three months my life took a bad turn. First, my former boss had a nervous breakdown and left the country. This meant I was suddenly unemployed. I was able to get a job with one of our clients, but was a temp to hire job that didn't provide the same benefits or salary. Two weeks after this happened I got a call informing me that one of my dearest friends has cancer. Two days after that I found out that my mother has cancer (for the 3rd time.) Then, two days after that my dad suddenly lost his job.
Suddenly, I found myself struggling financially while worrying about the health of a good friend and my mother and the overal wellbeing of my entire immediate family.
Needless to say I was an emotional wreck the first two weeks following all this s@*t hitting the fan. This was when I really needed my ex-boyfriend to come thru with the love that he claimed to have for me by standing by me and being emotionally supportive.
Not only did he not come thru, but he did the polar opposite. The more serious my problems got the more I could feel him pulling away from me. Then on the very night that I found out that my mother's cancer looks as if it has spread, he picked a fight with me and litterally walked out. He and I spoke over the phone the following day. I asked him at that time if this was his way of trying to break up with me. He told me that it wasn't.
That was the last time we talked. I sent him a letter addressing the issues he raised when he picked the fight with me. My letter also addressed my concerns that the reason he picked the fight was as an excuse to bail on me now that the going had gotten a little rough. This was not a "Dear John" letter. I decided to write to him at that point because there were a lot of things that I needed to say and I wanted to do so without any of the distractions or interuptions that can occur in a phone conversation. I even explained this in the very first sentence of my letter. At the end of the letter I invited him to respond and I was sure that he would (even if it was to tell me goodbye.)
He has never responded.
I have accepted that it is over between us. I have accepted that obviously he was not as in love with me as I had been led to believe. The thing that still boils my blood is that he didn't even have the decency to tell me that he had decided to end things between us. Whatever his reason for no longer wanting to stay romantically involved with me there was no reason for him to just blow me off like he did.
There has been moments since it became obvious that he was not going to respond that I have thought about calling him to confront him, but I haven't done so because I have all these 2nd thoughts about it.
Considering how badly he's treated me I have no desire to get back together with him. I learned a long time ago that I am much better off by myself than in a bad relationship.
What I long for is closure. Since its obvious that he's not going to call me to bring closure I guess I should call him and bring it myself. However, I'm not sure that I want to call him and risk giving him a chance to hurt me even more. I also don't want to give him that false impression that he's got me on a string.
I wish I could stop thinking about this. I'm not sure if calling him would bring closure or if it would actaully be an emotional step backwards.
God, maybe I should just go ahead and do it. If I did call him then at least I could stop wondering if I should or not.

Wild Weather

Yesterday was a rather unusal day weatherwise. We had temps in the 60's and at night we actually had some pretty impressive thunderstorms roll through. It felt like it was the middle of spring not the middle of the winter. Today, on the other hand, is completely different.
Not only was there snow coming down in droves this morning, but it's only 32 and it's supposed to drop down to the single digits tonight. YUCK! I don't really mind the snow. Its actaully kind of pretty when its freshly fallen. The only time I cringe at snow coming down is when I have to drive any great distance in heavy traffic surrounded by morons who can't figure out how to drive in snow. The bitter cold, on the other hand, is probably my least favorite thing about living in this part of the country.
I lived in the Pacific Northwest for two years when I was a kid. The weather there was not as nice as it is in places like Florida, but it was not nearly as extreme as it is here. I used to tell my friends back here in Chicago that they have 2 seasons in the PNW; the rainy season and July. The difference between the two is that in July it only rains every other day. Now, all the rain got on my nerves; but I did enjoy the fact that the the temperature never dropped below zero in the winter and it didn't boil the asphalt in the summer.
Oh well, I'm rambling about the weather. How boring! Well, at least we don't have to worry about mudslides like those poor people in California.

Wednesday, January 12, 2005

Another Day, A Better Day

Today I'm feeling a bit tired, but not nearly as bad as yesterday. I actually had to go home from work early because I was just too sick to do anything. Migrains are awful. People who don't ever suffer from migrains have no way of understanding how terrible it feels to have one. Many people think that they are just really bad headaches. They are really bad headaches that include: dizziness, nausea, visual distortion, and extreme exhaustion. The real bad ones can last all day (regardless of any medication.) I have even had a couple that lasted two days in a row. Thankfully, the one I got yesterday is gone.
The weather is even nicer today. I'm not going to say that thick fog and the occasional rain storm is wonderful weather. However, it is warmer today than it has been. The weatherman says the temperatures may reach the 50's (which is pretty warm for Chicago in January.) Of course, the warmer temps aren't going to last. By tomorrow we could be back in the single digits. So, I guess I'll top off the gas tank in my car today cause Lord knows I hate doing stuff like that when it's below freezing.
So I got off to a difficult start to this week, but at least things seem to be getting better. Hopefully, this trend will continue.

Tuesday, January 11, 2005

Terrible Tuesday

Ok, I'm starting to think that I have been cursed. Yesterday was far from being a good day. Today I woke up with a terrible migrain. The nausea was so bad I actually got sick twice before I left for work. I'm trying to maintain a positive attitude, but it's getting increasingly difficult. I would type more, but the sound of the keys is actually making my pain worse. Maybe, if I feel better later I'll write more.

Monday, January 10, 2005

A Bad Case of the Mondays

This weekend we a pretty good one. I got together with some friends for my birthday on Friday night and then spent most of Saturday with my parents. Got cards (and some free drinks) from my friends. My parents gave me a card and a gift certificate for the beauty salon (I REALLY need to get my hair done.) Most of Sunday was spent getting caught up on all the chores I had been putting off.
Now it's Monday, the least popular day of the week. My biggest problem on Monday is that over the weekend I tend to get on my own schedule which is to be up into the wee hours of the morning and then sleep until noon. Even though I only have two nights to be on this schedule I still have a real hard time getting out of it.
Last night, just like most Sunday nights, I tried to get to bed at a decent time. I ended up tossing and turning until well past 2AM. This morning I apparntly didn't wake fully the first couple of times my alarm went off (I guess I hit the snooze while still mostly asleep.) So, I was about 20 minutes late waking up.
The first thing I was fully aware of was this throbbing pain on the left side of my lower jaw. Awhile back I went in to get a root canal for that molar, but because it was infected the dentist could only do half the job and then treat the infection. He put in a temporary filling to plug up the gaping hole. I was supposed to go back and have the root canal finished once the infection cleared. Well, the infection cleared over a month ago and I have been foolishly putting off going back. Now all of the temporary filling has popped out and I have half a tooth with a hole that goes all the way to the jaw bone.
Last night I eneded up sleeping on that side of my face. OUCH! Everytime I drink anything hot or cold it instantly hits that nerve. OUCH!! Everytime I eat food gets wedged in the hole. OUCH!!!
When I called the dentist they said the soonest he can see me is next week. I explained in detail what was happening and the recpectionist assured me that she will talk to the dentist and see if they can get me in sooner. God, I hope so!
The second problem I had this morning was that ever since I had my gall bladder removed in the summer of 2003 my liver has been producing more bile than the rest of my system can handle. Some days are better than others. Today was one of the worse days. It feels like having the stomach flu or food poisoning (I'll spare you more explicit details.)
I was a mess this morning. I wanted nothing more than stay in bed. This wasn't really an option today. The company I work for is an internationally based company. The office I work out of is rather small. Right now there is only one other person in my department. She has the flu (God I hope I don't get it.) She called in today. I suppose I could have called in as well, but I have a hard time doing things like that unless I'm really terribly sick.
So, I've been sitting at my desk with throbing pain in my tooth, my stomach, and beyond. What a GREAAAAAT way to start the week!!!
Oh well, I'll just keep telling myself that it can only get better from here.
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