Endless Musings

This blog contains the random thoughts, feelings, and observations of a slightly "left of normal" young woman.

Thursday, January 13, 2005

My Emotional Dilema

One thing that really bothers me is unresolved issues. Especially if they are of the highly emotional kind. I have recently found myself caught up in the unresolved issue of my last romantic relationship.
I met my ex-boyfriend in July this past summer. When we met and fell in love (or at least I thought we were BOTH in love) things were going pretty good in my life. He and I hit it off right away. From our first date forward he called me every day and we got together at least once every week. He told me that he loved me after we had been dating for a few weeks. He seemed sincere at the time. I fell in love with him. I thought I had finally found a really good man who just might turn out to be "the one."
Unfortunately, these good feelings would be short lived.
After we had been seeing each other seriously for about three months my life took a bad turn. First, my former boss had a nervous breakdown and left the country. This meant I was suddenly unemployed. I was able to get a job with one of our clients, but was a temp to hire job that didn't provide the same benefits or salary. Two weeks after this happened I got a call informing me that one of my dearest friends has cancer. Two days after that I found out that my mother has cancer (for the 3rd time.) Then, two days after that my dad suddenly lost his job.
Suddenly, I found myself struggling financially while worrying about the health of a good friend and my mother and the overal wellbeing of my entire immediate family.
Needless to say I was an emotional wreck the first two weeks following all this s@*t hitting the fan. This was when I really needed my ex-boyfriend to come thru with the love that he claimed to have for me by standing by me and being emotionally supportive.
Not only did he not come thru, but he did the polar opposite. The more serious my problems got the more I could feel him pulling away from me. Then on the very night that I found out that my mother's cancer looks as if it has spread, he picked a fight with me and litterally walked out. He and I spoke over the phone the following day. I asked him at that time if this was his way of trying to break up with me. He told me that it wasn't.
That was the last time we talked. I sent him a letter addressing the issues he raised when he picked the fight with me. My letter also addressed my concerns that the reason he picked the fight was as an excuse to bail on me now that the going had gotten a little rough. This was not a "Dear John" letter. I decided to write to him at that point because there were a lot of things that I needed to say and I wanted to do so without any of the distractions or interuptions that can occur in a phone conversation. I even explained this in the very first sentence of my letter. At the end of the letter I invited him to respond and I was sure that he would (even if it was to tell me goodbye.)
He has never responded.
I have accepted that it is over between us. I have accepted that obviously he was not as in love with me as I had been led to believe. The thing that still boils my blood is that he didn't even have the decency to tell me that he had decided to end things between us. Whatever his reason for no longer wanting to stay romantically involved with me there was no reason for him to just blow me off like he did.
There has been moments since it became obvious that he was not going to respond that I have thought about calling him to confront him, but I haven't done so because I have all these 2nd thoughts about it.
Considering how badly he's treated me I have no desire to get back together with him. I learned a long time ago that I am much better off by myself than in a bad relationship.
What I long for is closure. Since its obvious that he's not going to call me to bring closure I guess I should call him and bring it myself. However, I'm not sure that I want to call him and risk giving him a chance to hurt me even more. I also don't want to give him that false impression that he's got me on a string.
I wish I could stop thinking about this. I'm not sure if calling him would bring closure or if it would actaully be an emotional step backwards.
God, maybe I should just go ahead and do it. If I did call him then at least I could stop wondering if I should or not.

3 Comments:

  • At 8:10 PM, Blogger underdog2win said…

    Unresolved issues. I know a lot about that subject. There was a time in my life when things just went wrong, one thing after another, and I wasn't prepared to deal with the emotions that rushed in. When issues remain unresolved, you feel the tendency to "what if" things which makes the healing process slow down. I managed to survive unresolved issues by letting go of what I couldn't change. When I read your post I remembered what I went through. I had a similar situation with someone who acted like he loved me, but when the going got tough, he split. When things got better, he came back. We see-sawed in that fashion until I ended it completely. I learned a good lesson that I'd like to pass along to you. If someone can't stick around during the bad times, let them go. They will only cause you more emotional trauma than is necessary for any person to endure. A loving relationship takes two people who are committed. I finally found that, and you will too. Stay positive and let time separate you from what you feel you lost. I know how much it hurts to love someone who doesn't love you back. Don't labor your heart looking for closure. Create your own closure by moving on with your life. Broken hearts won't heal until you convince your mind to stop dwelling on the memories. Meet new people, take up a hobby, read a book, anything to dismiss your mind from replaying things. Here's some more advice, never seek revenge (against anyone in any situation). I watched my girlfriend do that with a guy and even though she was right, things came back to her tenfold. I don't know if there's such a thing as karma, but I've seen it - and experienced it for myself as well. That's why I say concentrate on your heart and stay positive. It's very hard to do but believe me, it works. In time, the pain goes away and you realize life feels better. It works in all situations.

     
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